dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The air taste purple.
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