My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
