I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
