I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
