Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
