remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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