i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
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