I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
