the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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