dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
