Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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