need another drink. this is the easiest way
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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