She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
