You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
