I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
