Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
