who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i now understand why vodka
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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