Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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