But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
