You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
