I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
