seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
