Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why is there bacon in the couch?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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