He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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