All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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