Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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