she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
