Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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