I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
