Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
