the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
