Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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