I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
