I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
