i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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