oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
