im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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