I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
