Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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