I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
