My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
