I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
