he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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