Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I currently don't understand fingers.
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