Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just invented taco cereal.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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