the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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