if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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