I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
