i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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