My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's a Shit stain on my heart
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
false alarm, still single
Randomize
