I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
