tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
