you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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