Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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